


drown (i hope that it’s enough)

by smolstiel



Series: Boyking!Sam Drabbles [29]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Boy King of Hell Sam Winchester, Gen, Introspection, Sam Winchester's Demonic Powers, Torture, Unhappy Ending, boyking sam tortures dean and cries about it, that’s it that’s the fic, there’s not really much here i just found this laying around
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:07:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28195173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smolstiel/pseuds/smolstiel
Summary: Sam doesn’t know what he’s doing anymore.
Series: Boyking!Sam Drabbles [29]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1135400
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	drown (i hope that it’s enough)

**Author's Note:**

> title is sort of from “razorback” by rachel mallin.

Sam doesn’t know what he’s doing anymore. 

There’s something inside him that’s growing, this out-of-control _thing_ , and it scares him. It’s, it’s _hungry_ , is that the word? Gluttonous, scrounging for any scraps of affection and devouring them whole. He craves something that no one will give him. Maybe no one _can_ give him the kind of all-encompassing, unwavering constancy of acceptance that he wants. 

Maybe it’s all in his head, but he’s ceased to be in control anymore. It’s all about control, making them cry and plead and then making them debase themselves and cry some more, but it’s not — not about that. The torture, it’s hellish but it’s not _him._ He doesn’t even want it. One moment he’s relishing in a pathetic sob and the next little quavering noise is turning his stomach. He thinks that’s why he’s starting killing them so quickly. 

He doesn’t know what he’s doing anymore. Feels feverish, half delirious with despair. One moment he’s suffocating, thirsty, sandpaper dry, not a scrap of emotion, and the next he’s drowning in a thrashing ocean of passions. Sam’s afraid, he thinks, and maybe that’s why it seems it’s getting harder to keep his head above water, the sand out of his lungs. 

He’s shredded Dean’s heart by breakfast time and gives him back a whole, unblemished body by midmorning. He’s taunting him at noon, and at two he’s already cradling the unbodied soul between his fingers and apologizing through tears. He flies into a rage sometime around five, and Dean gets the brunt of it. It lasts most of the night, and the battered soul simply takes it. Sam doesn’t know when Dean stopped protesting but now he just lays there. Maybe occasionally he’s say something morose and fucking depressed but there’s nothing there. No humanity. No spirit. On the desert days Sam calls him a broken toy. Today Dean is merely pathetic. Sam doesn’t have the heart to twist any deeper than that. 

He swallows another angel whole and feeds Dean a morsel of leftover grace. Sam is a bloated, vicious thing, like a spider, but he knows Dean will only last with effort. Constant sustenance, conscious interest. Dean wants to die and Sam refuses to allow that. 

“You’re mine,” Sam will tell him. “You’ll die when I decide I’m done with you.” He will swallow the sick in his throat and cut out Dean’s intestines or his brain or his lungs and play in his ribcage and he was always so curious since he was a kid. He just wants Dean to say it. It’s your fault, Sam. I hate you, Sam. I wish you died in your crib, Sam. Or worst, worst of all, I wish I could still love you, Sam. 

He knows it’s his fault. It’s all his fault and sometimes he’s even sorry. But Sam’s lost control long ago, learned that it’s less ruling the world and more the world ruling you. It feels like being four and careening down the gravel in front of Bobby’s with no training wheels and his legs too short to touch the ground. He had wanted to show Dean he was all grown up. He’d refused to cry, even when Bobby had to pull rocks out of his knee with tweezers. 

Dean still won’t move and Sam wants to cry now. Instead he turns Dean inside out and tries to make him cry instead.


End file.
